5 Words of Comfort for Those Struggling to Have Children

For the last three years, my wife and I have been desirous of having children. We have done everything we can to serve that desire: praying, working out, taking vitamins and supplements, eating less Taco Bell (it’s harder than you think!), the whole deal. In all these years, nothing has happened. 

To be honest, this desire has so saturated our hearts that every new month without conception feels like a punch in the gut. 

Recently, the pains of this unfulfilled desire have brought us to seek clarity from physicians. Very quickly the problem became clear, and a path involving surgery was offered as a means that could potentially remedy the situation. We went down that path, and now we’re in the in-between. We’re in that season where our hearts are drenched with both uncertainties and hopeful longings.

Right now, we’re confronted with the hopeful desire of having biological children alongside the possibility that God may have other plans for us. It is a very hard place to be. 

I wanted to write this article while we’re in this hard place, the in-between. Think of it as a means of taking my thoughts captive to Scripture and submitting my heart to God. This article is an expression of our faith in Christ as we await whatever He has for us. I pray this would comfort anyone else who finds themselves in a similar situation. 

1. The Desire to Have Biological Children Is a Good Desire

You and your spouse do not have to feel guilty for wanting biological children. You are not a “lesser Christian” for wanting to pursue this to its fullest before considering other options. 

Scripture declares that biological children are a good and godly desire. 

Scripture declares that biological children are a good and godly desire. 

Psalm 127:3-5 heralds, “Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one's youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them! He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate.” 

Because we live in a world plunged into darkness by human sin, painful circumstances arise. Illness, infection, and infertility are all features of this fallen world. 

Nevertheless, we must not forget the gift that God gave Adam and Eve in the garden: the blessing to be fruitful and multiply (Genesis 1:28). Though our world is now broken, the desire for biological children remains to be good.

Throughout redemptive history, God never rebukes those who long for biological children. He comforts them. He comforts you. 

2. God Is Not Punishing You

As I look around seeing all the other people with children, I cannot help but sometimes wonder, “Is God punishing us?” Of course, this is emphatically not true. 

Romans 8:1 promises, “There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” 

On this point, Scripture is clear. Believers do not incur the wrath of God, because Jesus faced it for us on the cross. His resurrection forever proclaims, “It is finished!” Thus, if there was even one ounce of God’s wrath reserved for believers, the entire gospel would be a sham. 

Dear Christian, please listen to me. No matter how far you have strayed and no matter how much you have sinned against God, there is no divine judgment to be had for those who are in Christ. We do not bear our sins in our bodies, because Jesus “bore our sins in his body” (1 Peter 2:24, emphasis added).

Infertility may be your pain, but it is not your punishment.

Infertility may be your pain, but it is not your punishment. This is truth for you to cling to today. 

3. God Is the (Good) Author of Your Story

In all my years following Christ, there is one thing He has proved over and over again: He is a good and masterful storyteller. 

I’ll admit, having children is something my wife and I always assumed would happen. Now that we are in this struggle, we are reminded that God truly is the Author of life. That being said, it is also necessary to remember that God is the Author of our lives, both our very beings and our lives in Christ. 

Even as I write this, I’m reminded that 10 years ago I was a lost actor in Los Angeles, CA, who hated God. Today, I’m a pastor declaring the goodness of God at a church in Collierville, TN. Life for me has not gone according to plan, but I must confess it has been an amazing journey. I can truly say my life is in good hands. Praise God from whom all blessings flow!

Right now, God is carrying out His plan of salvation. If you are in Christ, you are a partaker of this glorious salvation (2 Peter 1:3-4). Look at the stories of Scripture and see there is no such thing as a “half-baked” story of redemption. Pain is not our setback. It is our stepping stone that serves the purposes of our good, gracious, and glorious Redeemer.

So, be encouraged. Infertility cannot rob you of having an incredible testimony of God’s grace. It can never cheapen God’s wondrous story of redemption. 

4. Children Do Not Define You

Children do not define you. Christ defines you. This is something I need to hear regularly. 

Children do not define you. Christ defines you.

Galatians 2:20 declares, “I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.”

This passage heralds that Christ is the One who encompasses our identity. God’s purpose in saving sinners is not to make us parents. His purpose is to make us vessels of His grace (Ephesians 1:1-11; 2:10). 

Believers are not defined by their childlessness. They are defined by their position as children of God (John 1:12). 

5. Get Busy Having “Children in the Faith”

As we face life’s trials, all of us are tempted to sit on the sidelines of God’s mission to redeem the world. My encouragement to you is: Don’t give in to this temptation! 

In the gospel, there is a sense in which every believer overcomes infertility. What do I mean by that? Although believers may face challenges that prevent them from having biological children, all of us are empowered by the Holy Spirit to have “children in the faith.”

Children in the faith are people we lead to Christ. They are those who are less mature in the faith, those whom we disciple and instruct in the Christian life. 

Although the Apostle Paul had no biological children of his own, he wrote to Timothy calling him “my true child in the faith” (1 Timothy 1:2). He cared for the church of Thessalonica as “a nursing mother taking care of her own children” (1 Thessalonian 2:7). Even during his first imprisonment, he became a father to Onesimus (Philemon 10). 

Through Paul’s participation in the Great Commission, his quiver became full of children in the faith. We should do likewise.

Conclusion

I do not know where God is leading me and my wife regarding children. I do not know where He is leading you. But here is what I do know: God is sovereignly directing us as participants in His redemption story. This story culminates in the new heavens and new earth, in the presence of our Savior forevermore. 

God does not promise us children, but He does promise to conform us into the image of His Son (Romans 8:28-29). He promises to empower His children to be instruments of His grace for the salvation of the lost, the maturing of the saints, and the building of His church. He promises to carry us safely home (2 Timothy 4:18).

Today my wife and I grab hold of these promises by refusing to waste time in the in-between. Instead, we commit ourselves to being living sacrifices, making the best use of the time because the days are evil. 

This is my encouragement to those of you who share in our struggles. It is okay to mourn a desire unfilled, but do not let this mourning paralyze you. Do not be idle waiting around for kids. Instead, get on mission and grab hold of the joys of discipleship. Grab hold of the wondrous identity and purpose every believer possesses in Christ. 

Though children may be an unfulfilled desire, Jesus is never an unfulfilled desire.

Though children may be an unfulfilled desire, Jesus is never an unfulfilled desire. He satisfies the deepest longings of the soul in ways that no one else can. May you cling to Him in these difficult days, and may you experience the everlasting joys that are found in worshipping Him alone.