Parenting a Child on the Autism Spectrum
Many parents face the immense task of raising an autistic child. These challenges include extra pressure on family communication, misunderstanding from friends, a limited community sphere, and a lack of behavioral assistance. Often Christian parents struggle due to the lack of biblical resourcing available for children on the spectrum. We cannot offer comprehensive support in this brief article but hope to provide basic instruction for those navigating the problematic headwaters of spectrum-related diagnoses.
When our oldest son was three years old, it became apparent he wasn't communicating like others in the nursery at church, and medical professionals diagnosed him as having (at the time) Pervasive Deficit Disorder. Though he eventually learned to speak and advanced intellectually, this was an eye-opening season for us.
As Christians, we were hesitant of labels, knowing that each child is fearfully and wonderfully made by our Lord (Ps. 139) and that God had supra intended a plan (Rom. 8:28) for our home and for our children. Yet, we knew our journey could contain some differences from our friends with more neurotypical children. (1)
A book that became quite helpful to us was Dr. Laura Hendrickson’s Finding Your Child’s Way on the Autism Spectrum, partially because Dr. Hendrickson had a son with Autism but more so because she was a licensed biblical counselor, who held to the sufficiency of God’s Word, including how she chose to parent her son, Eric. More recently, Kathy Hoopman authored Autism Spectrum Disorder. Paul Tatges (with Joni Eareckson Tada) has published When Disability Hits the Home.
Instead of a long article, allow us to provide a diving board for Christian parents, from which they can jump into further research.
#1 The Big Picture
Every parent of a child on the autism spectrum will endure moments of doubt and confusion, making it essential to remember Proverbs 22:6, which says, “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old, he will not depart from it.”
This particular proverb is often misunderstood. Well-meaning Christians will cite it spiritually as if the parent who teaches biblical truth to youngsters is guaranteed to have the child return to Christ after prodigal years. But in context, the proverb speaks more to life principles and skills. It more likely refers to the reality that if a parent helps a child find his "gift" or "bent," they will better know themselves and their purpose and stick with it long-term.
This is an encouraging truth for parents with autistic children because it means regardless of neuro-function, the Lord still expects us parents to help our kids discover their personal life path. And though it may require extra "work" (and creative methods), we've still had the blessed opportunity to work with God's design, turning developmental liabilities into strengths and biblically nurturing each child.
#2 Definitions
One difficulty for parents of autistic children is how quickly the field of study changes. Thirty years ago, doctors diagnosed five primary types of Autism, including Asperger’s Syndrome, Rett Syndrome, Childhood Disintegrative Disorder, Kanner’s Syndrome, and Pervasive Developmental Disorder. Yet by the late 1990s, that list had shrunk to Autism, Pervasive Developmental Disorder, and Asperger’s. And more recently, the index has again streamlined to be called the Autism Spectrum. (2)
In its most basic sense, the term Autism refers to the variety of developmental disorders in neurological processing, precisely how a brain develops wrong in the womb, before birth, or in the early months of infancy. (3)
Researchers typically highlight three aspects of the neurological disorder, including Cognition, Communication, and Social Relations.
The first, Cognition Deficit, will include struggles to organize knowledge and often presents sensory perception issues related to touch, sound, taste, texture, or fear of loud noises. Also, the child may be preoccupied with parts of an item while ignoring the total. For example, spinning bike wheels with no interest in the bike itself.
The second, Communication Deficit, could be the inability to understand speech, a lack of emotional empathy, or the failure of the child to speak, and may include trouble reading facial expressions.
The third, Social Relations, is a consequence of the two former malfunctions, where a child struggles with empathy, retains the limited interest of others and thereby struggles to build relationships. Although often diagnosed in elementary, mothers may look back and recall a feeling of “disconnect” by a spectrum child, even during the nursing years.
Lastly, doctors refer to "the spectrum," meaning a broad continuum (mild to severe) of how a child may be impacted by these neuro-limitations. Some children may be entirely mute (low-function). In contrast, others may look attractive, even regal, and be intellectually gifted (high-function). One example often used is Albert Einstein, who many believe was autistic. He was intelligent but did not speak until age five and wore the same clothing daily, without socks.
One of the past twenty years' most encouraging developments is how autistic children are being taught to grow. Far from the "Rain Man" movie depiction of the 1980s, many autistic children grow to flourish in society. Parents are finding that children on the spectrum can advance along the spectrum. And though the progression varies based on severity, time and again, it’s being proven that parents (not doctors or medication) are the primary means of development for spectrum children.
#3 Challenges for the Child
In this brief summary, we cannot detail the many challenges spectrum kids may face, but here are a few that seem to be the most common. (4)
Inflexible Thinking
The first is Inflexible Thinking, which often includes difficulty "shifting gears" during class or playtime. Virtually any quick change will be difficult as the child presents a very controlling and obsessive demeanor.
Obsession with Routine
The second is Obsession with Routine, and often analysts of Autism will call these "securing behaviors" where a child locks in on rituals that bring comfort, including a repetitive television show, eating the same foods, or wearing the same clothing. ‘
Emotional Instability
The third is Emotional Instability referring to temper tantrums far surpassing a more typical child. Originally the term "meltdown" was used for autistic kids, who can become semi-violent or even self-harm, e.g., banging their head or spinning circles for hours.
Self Stimulation
The fourth is Self Stimulation, or STIM, where a child may perform comforting or self-soothing behavior, e.g., pulling scabs or pulling hair ad nauseum. Though we all have subtle STIMS, these are compulsive, even to the point of self-harm.
Relational Struggle
The last is Relational Struggle; as mentioned previously, the child may lack friendships due to their controlling demeanor and nervousness about new things. In short, the child is seen by others as awkward, controlling, and without empathy.
Sadly this leads to gullibility and possibly bullying, as the child does not sense irony or sarcasm and may become an easy target in the teenage years.
#4 Biblical Principles
Due to the lack of teaching and resources on Autism, Christians may often wonder if the Word of God benefits their situation. The simple answer is that "yes," the Bible is sufficient as the foundational guide for parents with spectrum kids. (5)
One of the reasons parents of spectrum children can become discouraged is that their children do not learn and obey at the same speed as more neuro-typical kids. Understandably, this can lead to frustration and, eventually, hopelessness.
Regarding this frustration, it can be helpful for parents of spectrum children to remember that though the biblical principles must remain their guide, they may need to apply those principles differently, for a more extended period and with more rigor, than other parents.
One thing that gives great confidence is that the Bible makes no distinction between so-called “typical” people and “challenged” people, which is striking once we realize how severe health challenges were in the ancient world. Yet, God never sets a special standard, so we must conclude that God’s standards apply to all, meaning our spectrum children and more typical children each require Godly parenting. In short, a diagnosis should not excuse sin. It may even be a more significant reason for focusing on specific areas.
Practically speaking, it’s important to remember that an autistic child (often more than other children) needs to receive exuberant praise for success. Just as the Bible speaks of encouraging and edifying words (Prov. 16:24; Prov. 15:4; Prov. 25:11), children on the spectrum (though they often do not acknowledge!) thrive under positive support for their victories. Conversely, a harsh or angry correction will push them towards panic and fear, often exacerbating the deficiencies a parent hopes to correct.
Part of this positive encouragement is continuous gentle pressure toward growth, understanding that while more typical children have an innate drive, children on the spectrum become frightened by change, and thereby require parental support to adapt to new things.
A second element entirely overlooked by secular psychology is the value of biblical chastisement (Prov. 13:24; Prov. 29:15; Eph. 6:4) for spectrum children. (6) Due to an autistic child’s need for repetition and clarity, biblical chastisement (loving spanking) will have positive results as consistent limits are established and protected. There are three reasons for this;
Because spectrum children struggle with change and so respond well to rules enforced without exception,
Spectrum children are confused by changing rules because they cannot "generalize," and
Spectrum children thrive on routines that not only explain the problem, but provide the solution, including biblical Q&A, catechism, and clarified restoration. Though parents may need to do this with far more regularity than with neuro-typical children, they will see fruit from their loving labor.
In summary, Christian parents will find that the Lord’s origin text on parenting (Dt. 6) commends consistency in home discipleship, and spectrum children will thrive under such constancy. Indeed, it will take longer for spectrum children to learn, possibly even into adulthood. Still, they will be blessed by parents who follow God’s plan.
#5 Parental Encouragement
Parents of spectrum children will endure challenges of their own, including the embarrassment, insecurity, and doubts that come when around other parents. Naturally, we all want to be viewed as "good" parents, so when our child acts out or has a "meltdown," we may quickly turn to fight or fight mechanisms. But there's hope:
For starters, parents shouldn’t feel tempted to fake a higher level of achievement than their son or daughter can sustain on their own. We all want to be viewed as effective parents, but dishonesty is a work of the flesh. When we manipulate to make our kids look good, we may be setting our child up for more significant failure in the future. Instead, parents should be honest with friends about the concerns they have and the challenges they face. Lord willing, their community of faith will circle with support.
Secondly, parents should not only let their children live to their strengths. Often our spectrum child will find an area of success (we call them a “Safe Zone”), which can be anything from Legos to the piano to mathematics. But they will also have areas of struggle (we call them “Danger Zones") and may include social activities, like team sports or church, where they're ostracized. The temptation we all feel is to stay in the safe zone and avoid the danger zone. Still, eventually, this backfires, as our child is stunted and never learns to build relationships. So, as difficult as it seems, we must propel our children into social spheres and use the difficult moments as a means of growth.
Lastly, parents must be vigilant of angry behavior or over-protective tendencies, including "helicopter" parenting. Without a doubt, there will be times our child is bullied (and times they tease back). When this happens, we must allow for natural consequences and never grow spiteful, angry, or vengeful.
One of the things we found helpful in the early years was getting the kids into social settings where the focus was on others. They could learn empathy, e.g., Delivering food to the homeless, kind notes to the grocery store clerk, cookies to the church ministry teams, etc. Though there were moments of embarrassment – one man stood at the cash register and reprimanded me (Bre) on how parenting "Used to be done in the old days," not knowing I'd just spent 20-minutes in the restroom administering chastisement to one child, while the other two crawled all over the gnarley floor – at the end it's worth the effort (and tears) of getting out with people.
In conclusion, it's essential spectrum parents remember 1) God has a plan for their kids, 2) We're in their life to help them find it, 3) Their challenges are primarily social, 4) God's principles will guide us, and 5) We must avoid fight or flight responses due to fear or insecurity. And though it may be a lifetime of parenting, we can obey God and trust Him with the outcome of our children.
For more, listen to the Date Night With the Woods podcast episode, “Parenting a Child on the Autism Spectrum”.
Notes
We acknowledge that the study and definition of spectrum-related behaviors have changed quite a bit in the past ten years. We are not medical professionals, and each child is unique. When we use medical definitions, e.g., "neuro-typical" or "atypical," we do so only for the sake of semantic understanding each child is fearfully and wonderfully made in the image of God.
We provide terms so parents have a standard "semantic," not because we hold to an integrated approach to Christian psychology.
Some attribute certain vaccines as a possible cause for neurological limitation, which may be valid. However, studies are debated, and there is no consensus.
All children will present some of these characteristics as part of their fallen nature and require discipline. That said, these are far more extreme versions of said behavior.
We highly recommend Tedd Tripp’s book Shepherding a Child’s Heart.
Regarding a biblical plan for discipline and chastisement of spectrum children, see Dr. Laura Hendrickson’s book Finding Your Child’s Way on the Autism Spectrum (2009), pp. 34-44.
