Learning to Forgive

Susanne Geske made international headlines the morning after her husband was tied up and tortured to death by six Muslim men simply because he was a Christian. After leaving the police station, she released a statement, "I forgive the murderers of my husband the way Christ forgave his murderers, 'Father forgive them, they know not what they do.'" After her statement, thousands of calls and letters poured into the Turkish TV station asking for more information on how to convert from Islam to Christianity.

Most of us won't have our spouses taken captive by revolutionary warlords. Still, we will be harmed in lesser (even significant) ways: We may be mistreated at work. A friend may betray us, and a spouse may leave us. Our kids may ignore us. In a fallen world, we'll all face relational pain. More often, little irritants will plague us: poor spending habits, a quick tongue, insensitivity, or leaving up the toilet seat. 

Interestingly, most Christians I speak with know they're commanded to forgive, but few know why they're to forgive. So, let's quickly highlight the biblical backing for what forgiveness IS, and then WHY we’re commanded to do it: 

First, forgiveness starts with how we think.

In Ephesians 4:32, Paul uses the term “tender-hearted" when referencing forgiveness, and the Greek word literally means a heart that maintains empathy under duress. We get an alarming picture of what happens when the heart loses sympathy in Matthew 18, where Jesus says divorce comes "after the hardness of heart."

Therefore, a critical element in forgiveness is controlling the thoughts about a person who has harmed us. After we’ve been hurt, the natural propensity is to mentally strike back or reflect in a derogatory way. But forgiveness is training the mind not to react negatively. 

Second, forgiveness flows from what we choose.

One of Christ’s famed parables is of the prodigal son who took dad’s inheritance and blew it partying. As he returns up the driveway, the dad is mentally prepared to forgive and subsequently runs, embraces, and throws a family party. As an illustration of our Heavenly Father, the father chose not to maintain ill will.  

 After we’re harmed by word or action, an unwritten contract is broken. Every relationship is a contract of promise, boundary, or plans. And though it may be subconscious, the contract exists, e.g., "They'll care for me," or "They'll never leave me," or "They'll be honest with me." So, when an offending party breaks the contract, the receiving party has lost control, and the natural (fleshly) response is to choose fight or flight. 

But, the Bible specifies a third choice – faith – the option to trust God's permission of the evil to accomplish a more excellent end (Cf. Genesis 45:5). And this choice to respond in faith, although difficult, places the receiving party back in control, disallowing the broken promise to cause further damage.

Lastly, forgiveness is maintained by what we sacrifice.

Acts 7 shares the fascinating story of the Bible's first martyr. Stephen is stoned to death and cries, “Lord Jesus, receive my spirit…. do not hold this sin against them!” He dies. The text also tells us that the Apostle Paul, still unsaved, stood by holding jackets for the sweaty men throwing stones. 

After his own death, we trust Paul first knelt before Christ. But we may also surmise he next found Stephen, maybe offering an apology for his role in the pain. Yet, Stephen would have reminded Paul of his words on earth, that even while dying, he asked Christ not to hold it against him. And did Christ not answer by making Paul his greatest earthly emissary? 

The point is that forgiveness lays down natural revenge on earth because it trusts God’s judgments in heaven. Forgiveness is our way of laying down the sword of personal vengeance, all the while trusting God has a better plan. And why are we able to forgive this way? 

1. We can forgive because Christ forgave first.

After David sinned by committing adultery with Bathsheba and killing her husband, he wrote in Psalm 51, “Against Thee, Thee only, I have sinned….” David’s sentence shows that while he had hurt many people, he ultimately sinned against God. The same goes for us; long before we've been sinned against by others, we've already sinned against God; yet, He forgave us. Once we realize that God made us, chose us, died for us, and forgave us – apart from any act of our own – we grow in our desire to show others mercy. 

2. We can forgive because Christ forgave fully.

Psalms 103 reminds us that God forgave our sins as far as the "East is from the west." God knows everything but constantly chooses to let go of one thing; my sin. A stunning truth. How often we go to prayer, heavy burdened, sinking to the floor, reminded of our sins! Yet, he sits on His throne and looks to Christ, seeing us as He sees His Son. He sends no insult, no reminders, silent hatred, or retaliation. All is, by choice, forgotten. 

3. We can forgive because Christ forgave firmly.

Peter also sinned, yet he pens, “After you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen, and establish you” (1 Pet. 5:10). Note, the followers of Christ will be matured through pain. What a fascinating thought; most pain comes from people, but God uses that pain to build Christ-like character. A difficult marriage. Unkind neighbors. Conflicts with the children. Each injustice, offense, and ill-treatment is all God-given to shape our sanctification. 

Yes, forgiveness is not easy, but it is necessary. For, in forgiveness, we behave like Christ, bringing greater glory to God, and greater good to our friends and family.