How Should You Make Peace?
Sadly, in this fallen world in which we live, conflict is a normal part of everyday life. This is true not only among unbelievers but also among Christians. As it says in Job, when two sinful people are put together, you will inevitably see conflict. As long as we are in this world cursed by sin, conflict will arise. This is not a matter of if, it's a matter of when, how long, and how bad. Like many other aspects of the Christian life that require pursuit and perseverance in activity, working through our conflicts biblically is not a passive endeavor. We need to look no further than the words of Jesus in Matthew 5:9 when He says, "Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God." It is worth noting that He said peacemakers, not peace lovers, peace supporters, or peacekeepers. Peacekeeping and peacemaking are very different concepts. One comes from the world, the other comes from God's Word. Sadly, the two are often confused for each other and people think they're honoring God as they try to keep the peace when in reality they're actually dishonoring Him since He has instructed us to make peace, not keep the peace. We don't want to dishonor God and His Word, so we need to make sure we have clarity on these terms and definitions.
Let's start with the world's peacekeeping strategies. The first way the world recommends keeping the peace is by letting time heal. We've all heard the saying, "Time heals all wounds," but time is actually incapable of doing any such thing. Time in its own right doesn't heal or change anything. The only thing time does is pass. Even if time could heal, healing is not the ultimate objective for the Christian. What is needed, rather, is confession, forgiveness, and repentance.
The next worldly conflict-resolution strategy we need to avoid is trying to bury the conflict. It's a common strategy in which we busy ourselves with life in hopes the other person will eventually forget whatever the conflict was about. Trying to forget about what happened, willing ourselves to forget what the other person said, and trying to keep ourselves so busy that we no longer have time to think about it only works for so long. This approach only adds to the pile of unresolved grievances, hurts, and complaints. As time goes on, this can lead to anger, bitterness, and even hatred.
Another worldly way of resolving conflict is to act as though the conflict never happened. All the pretending in the world is not going to make a conflict magically disappear. The person pretending that a conflict never happened is not living in reality, they are actually disregarding the truth. As Christians, people of the truth, this is not acceptable behavior.
A fourth worldly approach to conflict resolution is insisting the other person should initiate the resolution process. This mindset tells the other person the sooner they admit they are wrong, the sooner their misery will end. This approach does not mirror the example of humility that Christ demonstrated for us when He took the form of a servant and humbled Himself. Weeding out the other person and insisting on your own way does not reflect the heart of Christ.
As we reflect on ways we shouldn't engage in conflict, how are we then, as followers of Christ, supposed to resolve conflict biblically? First, you have to take responsibility for your own part of the problem and humble yourself. Admit your wrongdoing and confess your sins to your brother or sister in the Lord. You need to be humble enough to recognize that as long as there is a log in your eye, you are in no position to evaluate the specks in anyone else's eye.
Second, you have to repent for your part of the problem. To repent means to turn and go in the other direction. In the context of conflict, you need to admit that something is your fault. Perhaps it means repenting of your anger, frustration, or the language you used in the heat of the conflict. It also means confessing to the Lord that your desire to be right went beyond what the Lord would have wanted you to do in that situation.
Third, you have to forgive one another. Forgiveness is not optional, it is mandated. This is at the heart of what Paul says in Colossians 3:12-13 when he says, "So, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience; bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you." This doesn't mean you'll always feel like forgiving, but that ultimately doesn't matter. The Lord often asks us to do things we don't want to do and encourages us to do things He wants us to do, even if we're struggling to do them. It's easy enough to understand. The question is, will we apply it to our lives?
Fourth and last, you must move forward. Philippians 3:13-14 says, "Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." Once you have repented and confessed your sin to your brother or sister and have been forgiven, it's time to embrace that forgiveness and move forward, forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead as you press on toward your eternal prize. God calls us to be peacemakers, and when we strive to do what He calls us to do, He will reward our faithfulness and bless our efforts.
Blessed are the peacemakers.
