Helping Dads Develop a Winning Game Plan

All great teams construct a winning game plan. No matter how talented the players may be or even how hard they train, the various team members must work to accomplish one goal. Most importantly, it’s the coach’s job to set a clear plan. 

In the home, God calls the father to be the coach. The dad's role is to set a winning game plan and ensure every family member knows how to live out their winning role. The stats bear out:

• There is an undeniable linkage between fathers and babies from birth

• Infants six weeks old know their father's voice

• Infants are born with a drive to connect and please their father

• Toddlers will go to great lengths to seek out their father

• Teens test their worldview via talks with their father 

Countless studies have proven the impact of fathers on a home. The National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse at Columbia University found that children at odds with their fathers had a 68% higher risk of smoking, drinking, and drug usage than teens having a good relationship with dads.  

Sadly, we’re living in a time where most men abandon their primary calling. Modern men do not grow up with Christian role models and do not understand basic leadership principles. Society is awash with passive men, perverted men, and lazy men, and we see a domino effect on the next generation.  

Our nation desperately needs American fathers to embrace their role as leaders. The simplest way to define leadership is to get a group from point A to B. Like leadership in sports, the military, or business, the administration of a home is simply clarifying where the family unit currently is, where it needs to go, and constructing the plan to get there. 

As leaders, each father wields massive power in the home, and this is how God intended it. A father can craft his child's worldview, attitude toward authority, marriage, gender, work, God, and the Church. In short, where goes the father, there goes the home. 

The apostle Paul knew men. He knew they think in bullet points rather than poems. He knew they preferred sports over long walks on the beach. He knew they spoke way fewer words than their female counterparts. Consequently, Paul keeps things simple when speaking to fathers. In his letter to the Ephesians, he boils the entire parenting game plan down to one negative and three positives:

1. God’s Man Must Not Tempt His Children

Raising children is no easy task. Children are born sinful, and every child carries a unique personality. Fathers can quickly become overwhelmed. Some men will give up and grow passive or absent. Still, others will default to an authoritarian parenting style, becoming heavy-handed overlords who frighten children into concession.

Paul says neither response is appropriate. Ephesians 6:4 says, “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger…." The English word "provoke" carries the idea of causing children to seethe, lose heart, or grow bitter and resentful.

A father can do many things that will cause a child to lose heart. Dr. Paul Meier gives an extensive list: 

• Parents who smother their children and overly restrict them from growth

• Favoritism where parents compare their children to one another

• Pushing achievement beyond reasonable bounds

• Discouragement where a child grows hopeless

• Parents who never sacrifice and make a child feel unwanted

• Using love as a tool, granting when good, withholding when bad

• Physical or verbal abuse, battering children, using sarcasm

Below are three other failures that can lead to ongoing frustration:

The first is ongoing criticism. A father who regularly ridicules his children will create intense resentment. Jon Gottman made this famous in a study titled "Five to One." Gottman took seven hundred married couples and tracked their arguments over ten years. The control group was allowed to fight in the usual way. The study group was taught to give five compliments for every critique. As expected, the control group divorced 50% of the time. But the study group (complimenting one another) remained married 94% of the time! This principle holds true for fathers and their kids. Dads must work overtime to never mock, ridicule, or slander their children. Instead, they must use their words justly, carefully, and positively, carrying tremendous weight (Jm. 1:26; 3:6; Prov. 10:19; 18:21; Mt. 12:36-37). 

A second mistake is lifestyle inconsistency. There is an alarming trend of fathers who demand kids "not" do something they, in fact, are doing. Prominent examples include men who tell their kids never to drink alcoholic beverages while they drink. The same can be said of watching certain movies, reading uncouth magazines, selecting word choices, etc. Make no mistake; actions speak louder than words. If a velvet-covered-brick. Soft on the outside. Rock-solid on the inside. The biblical word for this is gentleness, a term that was often used for strong stallions harnessed securely. We might call it a “reined power.” Tenderness does not mean we’re soft. As God’s men, we are men of conviction and courage. We exist to protect and provide for our homes. Yet, we do so with compassion and self-control. 

Helpful Hint: Maybe you didn’t have a good role model, or your father was absent. Maybe the idea of “tenderness” is absolutely foreign. Try reading a good book on the attributes of God. He is, in fact, your Heavenly Father. Then, write out the qualities you admire and work to emulate them in your home. 

2. God’s Man Must Turn His Children

As we would expect, Paul's instructions for good leadership don't end with simple tenderness. In Ephesians 6:4, he ratchets up, saying, "bring them up in the discipline…." In Greek, this is a much stronger word than English, referring to corporal punishment, or what we now call chastisement, e.g., spanking

As modern Americans, we live in a Freudian non-spank culture. Child hears dad say one thing but observes dad live another, he will build contempt and ultimately question his integrity (Prov. 10:9; Prov. 12:22; Prov. 20:7). 

A third common mistake is intense smothering. God places children in a home to be used like arrows from a quiver, shot worldwide. A father’s primary task is to raise and release adults who accurately handle the Word and fearlessly face the darkened world. So-called helicopter parenting, especially with boys, over-protecting a child will breed significant frustration (Ps. 127:3-5). 

3. God’s Man Must Tend His Children

Paul quickly bullet points the positive steps of being a biblical father, moving from the negative. 

In Ephesians 6:4b, he continues, “but bring them up….” In the Greek text, this entire phrase is one subtle word: "Nourish them." Old scholars used to describe this term as a gentle friendliness or tenderness. 

Some men feel a need to work out their own insecurity on their children. They can’t compete in the real world, so they become heavy-handed at home, yelling at their children with a furrowed brow and belt in hand. Nothing could be further from the biblical father. Instead, a biblical father is gentle, referring to strength under control. He is strong, but he is kind. 

When Paul wrote these words, the idea of a friendly father was totally counter-cultural. The Roman law of patria potestas decreed male figures as mini-kings in their home – little gods – who could do anything they wanted with their kids. Seneca wrote, "Mad dogs we knock on the head, unnatural children we destroy, and drown children at birth if weak or abnormal."

We must not forget how much Christianity changed the world. The Gospel has genuinely transformed hearts and homes, and as Christian men, we must embrace the type of fathering God desires. Many men have never considered:

• It’s not a sign of weakness to be tender at home 

• We can use a softer voice at home with wife and children 

• We can invent nicknames for our children and even befriend them

• We can tuck our children into bed and say “goodnight” prayers

• We can dress up and play make-believe with our daughters

• We should plan fun vacations and help make memories

• We can confess our sins and explain our need for the Gospel, too

• We can shed tears, especially over spiritual and eternal issues 

Parents have been told spanking is wrong and even harmful. Many others grew up in abusive homes and are deeply committed to not passing on the same harm to their children. Good. But, according to the Bible, there is a place for safe, soft, and loving chastisement. Loving chastisement has been a part of parenting since the beginning of time. Due to the importance of this subject, let's review a few Scriptures carefully:

Proverbs 13:24 - He who spares his rod hates his son, but he who loves him disciplines him diligently.

Proverbs 19:18 - Discipline your son, for there is hope; do not set your heart on putting him to death.

Proverbs 29:15 - The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother.

Solomon writes of the "rod," a small and flexible twig called the she-vet. It was a safe way for a father to paddle a son’s bottom in love after he’d disobeyed. Without question, this was on the fleshy side of the child's bottom and always came with a loving explanation and restoration of the relationship.  

Take time to read over each Scripture again. Note how God compares our Freudian non-spank culture with potential hatred of our child, the spiritual death of our children, and even the shame of our children. If this is an area you wrestle with, seek counsel from a pastor and spend time in prayerful consideration with your spouse. 

Regardless of a family's view on when and how chastisement should be given, a father's firm and fair hand are critical to each child's well-being. The father's loving discipline keeps children out of prison, protects the mother as the child (especially boys) grows into the teenage years, teaches the child that authority is a good thing (Rom. 13:1-5), and shows the child he is loved and not to be ignored. 

4. God’s Man Must Train His Children

Returning to our analogy of a game plan, it’s time to look at building a good offense. Good coaches clarify roles and cut out bad habits, but their primary job is to help players win together on the field. 

Paul’s final phrase in Ephesians 6:4, "and instruction of the Lord," is more offensive in nature. Dads don’t just stop bad habits; they help build good habits. The little term instruction was a word Aristotle used as "exert influence on the mind" or, in modern vernacular, "download your wisdom." 

We all know input equals output, and similar to a computer, what we put into our kids, will come out of our kids. If we pour garbage in, garbage will come out. If we pour truth in, the truth will come out. The Scriptures regularly testify that dads are their children's primary "shaping influence" (1 Tim. 3:4; Deut. 21:18; 1 Sam. 3:13; Prov. 1:8; 2:1; 3:1; 4:1). The matter is that God will hold fathers responsible for how they invest in their children's spiritual upbringing.

Men, God demands we accept responsibility for the direction of our home:

• We must craft a plan for how our house will operate

• We must show our children that our wife is always #1

• We must stay up late with our teens working through tough questions

• We must prepare a plan, so our children learn the Bible

• We must know why we choose a particular form of education

• We must select a church that syncs with our doctrine and values

• We must understand why we allow certain clothing styles

• We must help our children determine the right friends

• We must have a clear plan for when and how our children will date/court

• We must help our children learn to steward resources of time and money

• We must guide our children into selecting a career befitting their talents

I hope this list doesn't overburden anyone. But I hope it's enough to wet the taste buds and ignite the fire of all we're responsible for as God's men. Our wives can help, but the responsibility ultimately falls on us. Church ministries can help, but we must pave the way. We fail if we teach our children to throw a ball but not study the Bible. If we do not provide a model of righteousness, we fail. We've missed the mark if we do not prepare them for spiritual and philosophical opposition in college. If we don't train them to be husbands or wives, we've not completed our task. 

Be encouraged, men; God's given us a significant task and the Holy Spirit (via His Word) to fulfill it. The Word of God has all we need for faith and sound practice. Droves of Christian books have been written to help us. It's our job to read, study, pray, and ask counsel to guide our children in every way possible. In summary, we never want to tempt our children to frustration. Instead, it is our role to tend, turn, and train them toward a life of Godliness. 

Getting Started

As a newlywed, my home was in disarray. A wise old man sat me down and explained one way to build a good game plan at home. In a subsequent post, I'll describe it more fully, but the gist was: First, set Godly goals, hit the beach or your favorite local coffee shop with a moleskin journal, and write out 1-2 big goals for the year. Second, daily devote, building your family dinners around accomplishing that goal. Third, weekly wed, take your wife on a date to align on the goals. Fourth, monthly-mature, taking each child out once per month to guide them in select areas. Lastly, annually assess, taking your wife for an overnight getaway to review if and how the goals were met.

Bre and I have been working on this plan for a decade, it's not always been smooth sailing, but the Lord's been gracious. That said, there are times I feel like a fathering failure. It's hard work, and there's little payoff in the near term. Maybe you feel that, too? One thing I’m learning is to start from my knees. If my kids wake up every morning and see an aging man on his knees, they’ll remember it. In the end, we’re all just puny men, dependent on a great God. Praying for you, dear brothers.